Deserving Love

Does anyone deserve unconditional love?

By most standards, a decent person deserves to be treated decently. Through right action, we reason, the decent person earns the right, attains the merit, of being treated decently in return. This is basic reciprocity, a major and virtuous building block of civilization. (Sad to say, not all of societal cornerstones are so virtuous. Most societies I know of also have a foundation in oppression and exploitation of marginalized groups. Anyway.)

Reciprocity. We behave in a particular way in good faith that we will be treated reciprocally. When answering the worth question, the "Do they deserve it?" question, the answer it very simply, "Did they do it first?" Worthy of respect? If you are respectful. Worthy of a fair shot? If you are fair, also. Should I be violent to you? Only if you are violent to me. By our actions we earn and loose civil consideration.

But what about love? More to the point, what about unconditional, overwhelming, unstoppable love, the kind that moves beyond life and death, time and space, self and other? Following the rule of reciprocity, the answer is simple. If someone is capable of loving unconditionally, they should be loved unconditionally. Wait. What?

If I love someone unconditionally only as long as he or she loves me unconditionally... what happens if he or she stops? I... stop? That sounds like my love is quite conditional, as if it hinges on the ability of the other to love me too.

It would seem that unconditional love breaks the rule of reciprocity. Its unconditional, meaning that there is no condition that would prevent it, no strings attached, no backdoor clauses. In essence, its not the sort of thing that can be earned, because it cannot be lost.

Put another way, we don't deserve to be loved unconditionally because it is a perfect gift to an imperfect person. That is of course, the reason the unconditional part got added. Its precisely because people mess up from time to time that the an unconditional love is so meaningful.

So, that's settled. No, we don't deserve it, and neither do the people in our lives deserve it from us.


But does that mean we shouldn't do it? Should we strive to love without ceasing our undeserving neighbor? Should we accept their unstoppable love as it cares for our undeserving selves?

We are moving a bit out of step with many interpersonal ethical standards, which tend to determine the treatment of others by assigning merit. The contemplation of the greatest good, on the other hand, asks, "What is the right state of the universe?" This question is a bit different than deserving.

Is it my right state to be loved? I should say so! Don't know about you (though I have a few guesses), but my life goes quite a bit better when I am loved. Particularly the hard times. Hard times with love are actually strangely satisfying. And consider the inverse. Good times with no love? Hardly good times at all!

Is it my right state to love? Absolutely! Work done in love is suffused with a powerful spirit, an undefinable quality, a fifth element. My joy is deepened by love, and my pain is purposed by love. Through love I learn to celebrate the windfalls of others. Through love I learn to scorn their woes. My vision of creation, and my subsequent actions therein... all more real through love.

So do others deserve my love? No. But should I strive to love them no matter what? Yes! Same question, just backwards: Do I deserve the love of others? No. Should I let them love me? Yes!

We were born to be love and be loved. It was so decreed in the moment the universe was conceived. It is our destiny, our most sacred priesthood.